" Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long." ~ Psalm 25:4-5

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Thursday, May 13, 2010

~And then there is Sophie

New Flooring!!

So, the process of installing new floors wasn't the easiest project, but my hubby succeeded!

Monday, May 10, 2010

We didn't have to wait for the 18th. We had our third miscarriage this morning. God is still good & we are still praising his name.
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Depravity meets Pure desire

I love to write. It is my passion. Emotions typically pervade my journal, but I believe God is calling for them to be spilled onto the pages of my blog.
In the fall of 2009 my husband (Ryan) and I sensed a call to expand our family. Almost a month after the decision was made, I was pregnant. Emotions soared as my husband and I laughed and cried during the excitement of our first child. Unfortunately, this euphoria was short lived. Our baby didn't even make it to week three. I was very bitter after this experience. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little angry with God. I felt betrayed. The sinful thoughts that flowed through my mind are incomprehensible. I could not believe I was thinking some of the things I was. I will spare you on the specifics. Let's just say, the doctrine of total depravity sank into my soul at that moment.
The next several weeks consisted of a wrathful bitterness in my soul; an internal rage that is without description. I questioned my salvation on occasion. This lasted for about five seconds then, God slapped me in the face with scripture while saying, "Yes, you are elect." It was in December that we learned I was carrying our second child. The excitement was there, just muffled a bit. Our second blessing was 8 weeks when he or she passed. The pain that followed was evident; however, it seemed different than before. Instead of being hateful towards God, I was understanding. Through the conversations with two close friends and nights weeping beside my bed, God showed me that he was not central in my life and he need to be. I had been placing the idol of motherhood, before my Savior. Christ bore wrath that was reserved for me on the cross, and yet I set my eyes toward the sky and said, " You didn't do your job right."
I took a pregnancy test three weeks ago, two pink lines appeared as I smiled. I had my first ultrasound today. Our baby measured 4 weeks smaller than expected. The doctor isn't certain as to what is going on. I have another ultrasound scheduled for the 18th. I'll be honest, over the last several weeks I have been pleading with God to allow our baby to live. I pray that's the case. But even if it's not, even if God takes this child home, I will continue to praise him. I heard someone say last week that God died on the cross for our sins and everything else on earth is just a bonus. I love that truth. Even if this baby dies, even if we never have children, we'll always have Christ.