In the fall of 2009 my husband (Ryan) and I sensed a call to expand our family. Almost a month after the decision was made, I was pregnant. Emotions soared as my husband and I laughed and cried during the excitement of our first child. Unfortunately, this euphoria was short lived. Our baby didn't even make it to week three. I was very bitter after this experience. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little angry with God. I felt betrayed. The sinful thoughts that flowed through my mind are incomprehensible. I could not believe I was thinking some of the things I was. I will spare you on the specifics. Let's just say, the doctrine of total depravity sank into my soul at that moment.
The next several weeks consisted of a wrathful bitterness in my soul; an internal rage that is without description. I questioned my salvation on occasion. This lasted for about five seconds then, God slapped me in the face with scripture while saying, "Yes, you are elect." It was in December that we learned I was carrying our second child. The excitement was there, just muffled a bit. Our second blessing was 8 weeks when he or she passed. The pain that followed was evident; however, it seemed different than before. Instead of being hateful towards God, I was understanding. Through the conversations with two close friends and nights weeping beside my bed, God showed me that he was not central in my life and he need to be. I had been placing the idol of motherhood, before my Savior. Christ bore wrath that was reserved for me on the cross, and yet I set my eyes toward the sky and said, " You didn't do your job right."
I took a pregnancy test three weeks ago, two pink lines appeared as I smiled. I had my first ultrasound today. Our baby measured 4 weeks smaller than expected. The doctor isn't certain as to what is going on. I have another ultrasound scheduled for the 18th. I'll be honest, over the last several weeks I have been pleading with God to allow our baby to live. I pray that's the case. But even if it's not, even if God takes this child home, I will continue to praise him. I heard someone say last week that God died on the cross for our sins and everything else on earth is just a bonus. I love that truth. Even if this baby dies, even if we never have children, we'll always have Christ.