The month of October has naturally been a somber time for us since 2009. On October 10, 2009 Ryan and I had our first miscarriage. I remember almost every detail: where I was, the thoughts running through my mind, and the tears that followed. The feelings of loss, despair, and anger lasted for weeks and then months; Until our next miscarriage two months later when those feelings magnified, and our last in May 2010. I remember getting up early each morning asking God why He would take our children away from us. What was the purpose? One morning I began to pray, questioning God not out of my sincere curiosity, but my prideful, arrogant heart. To my surprise, my answer was in the form of a question: “Emma is the cross enough for you or do you need children too?” Though, it was not an audible voice, God spoke to my heart and I finally got my answer.
I’ve come to understand “deserve” is a stupid word. Because of our sin, there is a separation between us and God; a chasm that can only be crossed by not only good works, but perfect obedience. If we’re honest, we realize quickly that we fail….Miserably. From before the foundation of the world, God set out His plan to redeem a people for Himself. He chose to execute His plan by coming down to earth in the form of Jesus Christ. Jesus lived a life of perfect obedience, He was mocked, spit on, flogged and at the end of His life, He was nailed to a cross to drink the cup of God’s wrath that was intended for you and I, three days later He rose from the grave, conquering sin and death- so that all who trust in Him will be 1. Forgiven of the debt that stood against us and 2. Washed clean so that when God looks at us He does not see our filth, but instead sees the righteousness of Jesus.
I deserve the wrath of God; I deserve hell. But because of God’s goodness, He chose to pick me up, wash me, and forgive me by paying the penalty for my sin Himself. It was not sinful for me to grieve the loss of my child. To be honest, I’m still grieving the loss of all of our children. But to question God’s goodness in my life is utter blasphemy. He has shown His incomprehensible love and grace toward me on the cross. How dare I say that is not enough? How dare I demand the cross plus children? How dare I demand the cross plus anything. He alone is enough for me; He is sufficient. And I told Him that that day. And for no reason other than His goodness and mercy, He chose to end our painful pattern of death, by bringing new life on April 2, 2011.